Some Thoughts on Anger

Dear Readers,

Look. I'm alive. And well is to be determined. There are some things about me that are probably not Facebook friendly, but need to be said.

I think.

Readers, I am a crab. I am a crab. I am a jerk. I get angry and stay angry. Even if I look like I've recovered, I usually have not.

That might add poser to my list.

Poser=liar.

I just don't like confrontation, and I think that I just hold things back, one too many times and then its Armageddon.  Sorry, not sorry. A few know the truth about me. My kids, they definitely know, my wife...yup I said wife, she knows too.

I don't know if I updated you on my wedding, but you'd have to be living under a rock to not know that I am now a married woman.

My level of anger is just like everything else about me--inconsistent and therefore unreliable and hardly manageable.

When do I say something nice about myself? Maybe this isn't that blog. Don't get me wrong. I love me and everything about me, but I love the warriors who deal with me even more because they are the real MVPs.

This is a return blog and I don't know how long I will be here or even if I shall return after this one. Great things are happening in my life-it almost seems that things are great. If you are a long time follower (and if not, maybe you want to read back a bit) then you know right now I am in a Tony the Tiger great place. I've been through some things, but we all have. It doesn't make my shit more epic than yours, but honestly, its my shit, thus making it relevant to me, at least.

You are reading, you must care just a little bit.

I think I can come back because grad school is over. I'm still teaching and though I'm still rated as a developing teacher, I think I can manage to blog here and there. I don't feel like teaching owns my life, much.

Was not this blog about anger? There's that inconsistency again!! Rearing its iffy head. No homo.

Actually, I just think that I love blogging so much that its easy to soothe my anger. What bugged me so much less than an hour ago is gone.

This is beautiful.  I'm here. I think I'll stay. I think I will refrain from reading too far back. I know where I came from and how I got here. I don't think I need to rehashment. Down with the violin.

Yeah. Yasssssssss. I think I'm back.

We will see,

Best,

Lola Velez

Friendship is More Than a Guest List

Dear Readers:

So (yes, I’m just going to jump right in as if I last blogged one week ago) during my long ride to class today, I got to thinking.  The only reason that I starting thinking is because my kindle battery was dead and my phone was at 33%, way low for me to occupy myself with solitaire.  I started thinking about friendships. 

A week or so ago, my fiancée asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday and unlike most years, I didn’t already have a running list.  At that point, between the snow and etc, I didn’t feel excited.  Sidebar: This lack of excitement might be because last year ended with a PRINCE concert and I am still trying to get myself together or it could be the fact that I was proposed to after a FLASHMOB that summer…listen, it was an exciting year. 

Time passed and I still didn’t have anything in mind until she asked me again.  She raised the stakes by asking me whom I wanted on the guest list.

This was a real eye-opener.  Typically I rattle off the same names instantaneously.  I don’t even have to think.  In fact, its after I rattle off the list I have to get realistic….uh hello it’s not my Sweet 16!

This time I drew a blank.  I started naming people almost reverently, slowly and thoughtfully.  She had to name some names, too!  What was wrong with me?  What happened to my regular list?  After the list, which barely hit twenty, I “parking lot-ed” a few names of people who probably couldn’t make it, but I would not just NOT invite them.  I even threw in a couple that just TOLD me flat out that they wouldn’t be able to make anything that weekend, yet even they made the list. 

Note on the “parking lot-ed”: In teaching, one thing that we learned whether if by example or in practice is to place items of discussion that weren’t pertinent to the current conversation in the “parking lot”. Some teachers will even write said thoughts on a post it and literally place it on an allocated “lot” on the board.  For example: Jamal, I agree that basketball is life, but since we are talking about plant life, let’s just put that thought in the parking lot. I don’t think that adding “-ed” at the end is typical, but I’m not typical. 

So the list was made and the plans were discussed and it looks like things are going to happen.  It’s my birthday and I really want to do what I like, with whom I like.  I want to highlight “whom I like”.  I did think briefly of the fallen who didn’t make the list.  I didn’t think of them fondly, and I didn’t think of them with pity.  I didn’t even wonder how they might feel.

Thinking of them manifested into a much bigger reflection.  At this point, Dear Readers, I may fly off a far tangent.  I’m actively ignoring my astronomy professor, especially since there are 170 students in this class, I am sure he could care less if I care about hyperbola (I don’t know what that is, I just checked the powerpoint that he is rattling on about).  Ok.  I don’t know if that was the tangent or not.

Ok.  So why do friendships end?  My first thought is that they have to, simply to make space for 1)new friendships or 2)old friendships.  Why they end is of little consequence though, the real issue is how you handle the ends.  There is no perfect way to end a friendship.  Well, the best would probably be the ones that just drift away naturally.  Why did the professor just mention a bride and her gown? One sec.  This might be good.  Never mind.  He is likening it to a comet’s tail.  Why did I bother?

There is a particular person…our friendship is now passed.  It has run its course.  We had a great time.  I don’t really miss her (the present her) and I don’t know if I can say I miss the past her.  I know that the friendship that we had served its purpose just then.  I wondered why I was so ok with our friendship ending.  We felt it happening over the last few times we spent together.  The spark was gone.  I initially blamed myself. 

I thought to myself, I am being childish because I don’t like a certain person(s) that she keeps company with.  How freaking childish is that!!  Then another page out of Grow The Eff Up, Christine…I felt she was the jerk for even wanting to be friends with this person. Then (and by then, I mean today on the train) I thought, wait.  Wait.  There are other friends that are friends with the same person that she is friendly with.  So what is the difference?  What is really the problem?

Brace yourself.

My friendship with her is not strong enough to withstand my abhorrence of the person(s) that she is friendly with.

Say what?

Ok.  I can love dark chocolate.  I think it is delish.  However, I HATE coconut flakes.  So if you give me a piece of dark chocolate and I bite into it to find coconut flakes, I will spit it out.  If you give me a piece of dark chocolate and it is dipped in coconut flakes, even plucking the flakes off…they were there.  They were there and it is not even worth my time to attempt to try to deal with the chocolate.

Does this make sense? Chocolate is the friendship.  Those bitches are the coconut flakes.

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

I just snorted in astronomy and no.  When you snort in a class of 170 people obsessed with the “Clouds of Magellan”, they don’t notice when you snort.

For a while, I think this friend still tried to reach out.  It was a weak flaccid reach, but a reach, anyway.  If I’ve had the courage I would have told her flat out that this was a waste.  That since our friendship was not worth it to me, that she should just let it go as well.  I would never want to try so hard, for nothing. 

Luckily, the friendship drifted so far off that I can say that the last time we communicated was around Thanksgiving.  She celebrated my last birthday with me but the feeling of disconnect was already there.

All in all, I wish her well.  I don’t hate her. 

A word (or a few) on hate: My hate is not nearly as strong as it should be.  I mean, I will tell you that I hate someone and I can say it eloquently and gracefully and spitefully and all types of –ly but in actuality…..I will wish awful things to happen to someone that I hate, but I am so soft that I will take into consideration their friends and family.  So yes, X can choke on their quinoa and their eyes could roll back, but his/her mother/father/sister/friends/fake ass lover/colleagues might feel some kind of way, so you know what….? No, I wish them well.  Begrudgingly. 

People say “eff you and the horse you rode in on”. I don’t have an issue with the horse.  What did the horse do to me?  In fact, when you entered my life, you rode in on the same horse.  When you left, you rode off on the same horse.  I’m cool with the horse.  Now should the horse buck you off….well, shit happens.

So, to answer the question…Can we all get along?  We can’t.  It is not in our nature to get along with everyone.  It is human to dislike.  It is human to want to do things with people we like and not 170 random people in a course that we only took because we needed a science credit.  It is human to distance ourselves from uncomfortable situations. 

It is mature to know the difference.  It is bad ass to respect our feelings.  It is nice to respect the feelings of others, but if you really want to show yourself love, respect your feelings.  It is divine to have to really think about your guest list.  It is bad ass to not make excuses, but embrace your feelings, sincerely and without hesitation.

You still get me or at the very least, still stick around, 

Christine

Note:

Upon publishing this blog, I realized that my blogs were missing.  After going nuts, I found them, but I still can't publish.  I created this new blog name, but I don't know if I am really feeling it.  Today's blog had to go up anyway.