Dear Readers:
So (yes, I’m just going to jump right in as if I last
blogged one week ago) during my long ride to class today, I got to
thinking. The only reason that I
starting thinking is because my kindle battery was dead and my phone was at
33%, way low for me to occupy myself with solitaire. I started thinking about friendships.
A week or so ago, my fiancée asked me what I wanted to do
for my birthday and unlike most years, I didn’t already have a running
list. At that point, between the snow
and etc, I didn’t feel excited. Sidebar:
This lack of excitement might be because last year ended with a PRINCE concert
and I am still trying to get myself together or it could be the fact that I was
proposed to after a FLASHMOB that summer…listen, it was an exciting year.
Time passed and I still didn’t have anything in mind until
she asked me again. She raised the
stakes by asking me whom I wanted on the guest list.
This was a real eye-opener.
Typically I rattle off the same names instantaneously. I don’t even have to think. In fact, its after I rattle off the list I
have to get realistic….uh hello it’s not my Sweet 16!
This time I drew a blank.
I started naming people almost reverently, slowly and thoughtfully. She had to name some names, too! What was wrong with me? What happened to my regular list? After the list, which barely hit twenty, I
“parking lot-ed” a few names of people who probably couldn’t make it, but I would
not just NOT invite them. I even threw
in a couple that just TOLD me flat out that they wouldn’t be able to make
anything that weekend, yet even they made the list.
Note on the “parking lot-ed”: In teaching, one thing that we
learned whether if by example or in practice is to place items of discussion
that weren’t pertinent to the current conversation in the “parking lot”. Some
teachers will even write said thoughts on a post it and literally place it on
an allocated “lot” on the board. For
example: Jamal, I agree that basketball is life, but since we are talking about
plant life, let’s just put that thought in the parking lot. I don’t think that
adding “-ed” at the end is typical, but I’m not typical.
So the list was made and the plans were discussed and it
looks like things are going to happen.
It’s my birthday and I really want to do what I like, with whom I
like. I want to highlight “whom I like”. I did think briefly of the fallen who didn’t
make the list. I didn’t think of them
fondly, and I didn’t think of them with pity.
I didn’t even wonder how they might feel.
Thinking of them manifested into a much bigger
reflection. At this point, Dear Readers,
I may fly off a far tangent. I’m
actively ignoring my astronomy professor, especially since there are 170
students in this class, I am sure he could care less if I care about hyperbola
(I don’t know what that is, I just checked the powerpoint that he is rattling
on about). Ok. I don’t know if that was the tangent or not.
Ok. So why do
friendships end? My first thought is
that they have to, simply to make space for 1)new friendships or 2)old
friendships. Why they end is of little
consequence though, the real issue is how you handle the ends. There is no perfect way to end a friendship. Well, the best would probably be the ones
that just drift away naturally. Why did
the professor just mention a bride and her gown? One sec. This might be good. Never mind.
He is likening it to a comet’s tail.
Why did I bother?
There is a particular person…our friendship is now
passed. It has run its course. We had a great time. I don’t really miss her (the present her) and
I don’t know if I can say I miss the past her.
I know that the friendship that we had served its purpose just then. I wondered why I was so ok with our
friendship ending. We felt it happening
over the last few times we spent together.
The spark was gone. I initially
blamed myself.
I thought to myself, I am being childish because I don’t
like a certain person(s) that she keeps company with. How freaking childish is that!! Then another page out of Grow The Eff Up,
Christine…I felt she was the jerk for even wanting to be friends with this
person. Then (and by then, I mean today on the train) I thought, wait. Wait.
There are other friends that are friends with the same person that she
is friendly with. So what is the
difference? What is really the problem?
Brace yourself.
My friendship with her is not strong enough to withstand my
abhorrence of the person(s) that she is friendly with.
Say what?
Ok. I can love dark
chocolate. I think it is delish. However, I HATE coconut flakes. So if you give me a piece of dark chocolate
and I bite into it to find coconut flakes, I will spit it out. If you give me a piece of dark chocolate and
it is dipped in coconut flakes, even plucking the flakes off…they were
there. They were there and it is not
even worth my time to attempt to try to deal with the chocolate.
Does this make sense? Chocolate is the friendship. Those bitches are the coconut flakes.
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
I just snorted in astronomy and no. When you snort in a class of 170 people
obsessed with the “Clouds of Magellan”, they don’t notice when you snort.
For a while, I think this friend still tried to reach
out. It was a weak flaccid reach, but a
reach, anyway. If I’ve had the courage I
would have told her flat out that this was a waste. That since our friendship was not worth it to
me, that she should just let it go as well.
I would never want to try so hard, for nothing.
Luckily, the friendship drifted so far off that I can say
that the last time we communicated was around Thanksgiving. She celebrated my last birthday with me but
the feeling of disconnect was already there.
All in all, I wish her well.
I don’t hate her.
A word (or a few) on hate: My hate is not nearly as strong
as it should be. I mean, I will tell you
that I hate someone and I can say it eloquently and gracefully and spitefully
and all types of –ly but in actuality…..I will wish awful things to happen to
someone that I hate, but I am so soft that I will take into consideration their
friends and family. So yes, X can choke
on their quinoa and their eyes could roll back, but his/her
mother/father/sister/friends/fake ass lover/colleagues might feel some kind of
way, so you know what….? No, I wish them well. Begrudgingly.
People say “eff you and the horse you rode in on”. I don’t
have an issue with the horse. What did
the horse do to me? In fact, when you
entered my life, you rode in on the same horse.
When you left, you rode off on the same horse. I’m cool with the horse. Now should the horse buck you off….well, shit
happens.
So, to answer the question…Can we all get along? We can’t.
It is not in our nature to get along with everyone. It is human to dislike. It is human to want to do things with people
we like and not 170 random people in a course that we only took because we
needed a science credit. It is human to
distance ourselves from uncomfortable situations.
It is mature to know the difference. It is bad ass to respect our feelings. It is nice to respect the feelings of others,
but if you really want to show yourself love, respect your feelings. It is divine to have to really think about
your guest list. It is bad ass to not
make excuses, but embrace your feelings, sincerely and without hesitation.
You still get me or at the very least, still stick around,
Christine
Note: